Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
