I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
