my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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