My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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