Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
