Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
