she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
