I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
