Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
