guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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