Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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