I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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