I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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