brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
