I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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