I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
