I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
