If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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