This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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