You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I party with great urgency now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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