You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
