Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
