I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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