There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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