My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Who died my cat blue again?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
