totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
