WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
