At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
