That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
