just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
