I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
