John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Let's get the cat blown out
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
