There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
