before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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