he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
