Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
