so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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