Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
whose parrot is this?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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