Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
