drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
