Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
