I just cut my nipple shaving
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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