Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Farmville is her only friend.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
