R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
3 2 1 whiskey
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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