This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
two words: eviction party
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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