I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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