That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
