I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
