Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
