I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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