I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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