I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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