The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
