the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
