Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just had sex on a roof
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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