he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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